Part 1: The revision week

Assalamualaikum my lovelies! :)

Bonjour!

Sihat? Dah lama tak tulis pape kat sini so I decided to write about what had happened to me last month.. It's very much detailed, typical me.. I write this so that I can read them later to remind myself to not make the same mistake again..

As you know on the 16th of May I had my final Year 1 exam.. Sebelum exam ktorg ada 2 minggu revision week to cover up 5 systems- Heamatology & Immunology, Cardiovascular, Respiratory and Renal..
To tell the truth I wasn't really studying and use the time usefully.. :/ Bayangkan by the end of the first revision week, I just started on leukemia (heamatology) while the others dah nak habis cardiovascular or dah start respiratory!
Time tu farah takde cuak lagi sebab I'm still being positive that I will finish studying within the remaining days.. I don't know what I did everyday for the first week..
Fairuz did nasihatkan farah, to study harder because I'm soooooo ketinggalan.. Bila berdepan dengan Fairuz, I still have the positivity in me but when I went to bed that night, I cried. I was worried. I was scared. I was determined to change.

Second week of revision pon not much different.. I didn't change even though Fairuz dan bagi pressure.. And worst, I started to feel homesick bercampur dengan nak give up medic..
I missed my friends yang dah tak study lagi kat UCSI.. I don't like my housemates and I don't want to be here.. I just wanna get sejauh mungkin dari tempat nie..
Kepala memang dah celaru.. I was thinking of nak keje jadi guru tadika je, tukang kemas pinggan kat kedai makan pon okay..
Because I'm scared.. Eh, bukan takut tak pass exam ke apa, but scared of the future.. Boleh ke I become a doctor that have the knowledge to help sick people?
Boleh ke farah diagnose penyakit makcik tu? Boleh ke farah prescribe ubat yang betul with the right dose untuk penyakit pakcik tu? Boleh ke farah fikir apa nak buat kalau tetiba ada patient kemalangan masuk emergency?
Kalau first year pon dah rasa nak mati, macam mana dengan another 4 years? Pas2 keje lagi.. Kalau nak stop, better stop now.. At least nak bayar balik kat JPA sikit je, around RM60K compared to kalau nak quit time year 2..
I started to doubt myself.. But I still keep on studying though satu hari habis satu lecture je.. I won't give up.. I'll stop when that's the only option I have..

The night before the exam, I'm still on respiratory system.. Renal system tak sentuh pape lagi.. Benda-benda yang dah study before this pon ingat tak ingat je.. Some of my housemates dah ulang kali kedua dah..
Orang lain takpe lah untuk MA Renal before the revision week tu memang dorang study betul-betul so maybe dorang just recap je.. But farah, untuk MA hari tu pon tak study betul-betul, kononnya I'm preparing and want to focus more on the final exam..
Tengah study respiratory pathology (time tu dah pkul 12 malam), tetibe je air mata menitis.. I tried to stop it but I can't.. Dalam mata berair tu I kept on reading the lecturer's note..
I stopped crying, pull myself together and study balik.. Tapi air mata menitis lagi.. This time I started to panicked.. I think about lots of stuff at the same time..
I wished I went back home during the first revision week.. I wished I'm at home now and not take the exam tomorrow.. I wished I started to study seriously at the beginning of the revision week..
I wish this and I wish that but it was too late now.. And at that moment, I GAVE UP..

I got up from my study table, time tu tengah menangis esak-esak, amik my phone and sent a text message to my mom - minta maaf because I'm such a disappointment etc.. Time tu dah pukul 1 pagi..
Then my mom called.. I talked to her and my dad and they were trying to calm me down.. I can't stop crying, menangis macam nak rak..
I don't know where to hide so I sat at the corner of my bed near the wardrobe.. My roomate came into the room and I know she saw me crying but she doesn't know what to do so she acted like she didn't see me and walked out of the room..
My mom asked me to go to sleep and don't think about the exam which is in 8 more hours.. So I tried to go to sleep but sape yang boleh tidur kalau hati gundah gelana?
I set 3.40am alarm so that I can continue study.. There is still time.. I won't give up just yet.. Tapi memang I didn't sleep at all.. Kejap tengok jam, kejap tengok jam and waiting for the alarm to ring..

Bila dah pukul 3.40am, I woke up and all my housemates dah tido.. I stayed up in the living room, baca nota Niza on drugs and recap the stuff I read and continue reading respiratory system..
Bila dah pukul 6 pagi, I started to read renal system.. Selagi exam tak start, selagi tu lah I still have time.. Baca pon dah tak concentrate sangat since my housemates pon dah bangun and I get easily distracted with them talking and the sounds they made..
But I didn't stop.. I kept on reading.. At least I won't feel bad not finished reading before the exam.. Then it was time to get dressed and go to the exam hall..

I shall continue, insya allah..

Merci.

Au revoir.

-F-